Dear Michie,

Over the next few years, I dated and eventually found someone (online) in another state. Who helped bring me out of my shell. We talked on the phone for 6 months. Eventually I moved to be with her and we married a month later. At the time I thought I loved her. As the years passed I always had this empty feeling inside and missed the first woman. I never got over her. I kept telling myself to move on over the years and never fully gave all my love to my wife. She always knew that there was something wrong, but I could never say what it was. Now we are ready for divorce.

As I was looking for someone to talk to about my feelings, I decided to try and find my first love. It had been 10 years so I thought it might be nice just to see what she might be up to. I contacted her, only to find she had just gotten married a few months ago. I was too late to start any kind of relationship, but I thought at least a friendship would be nice. As we talked I found out that she wasn't completely happy either. We talked about some of the old times and she noted how the years had changed my character. I am now more outgoing and confident. As we talked, we both found that even though we were apart we both had the exact same interests and similar life experiences.

I find myself attracted to her again and think she may feel the same. She is still committed to her marriage and feels guilty that she has any feeling for me at all. I feel bad I'm maybe interfering with her relationship, but I still want to be with her. If she wasn't unhappy this would be a no brainer, but she is and this makes it a lot harder to say no. We have great talks and we can tell each other anything. I just want her to be happy, but I think we both would be happier together. What should I do?

Thanks

Dear Star-Crossed Amor:

We have no control over whom we fall in love with.  However, we DO have control over what we do about it.  And in the case of your old love, it may be time for you to do something – let it go.

Feeling the old flames of love fanning in your heart is connected to old wants and needs, and desires to go back in time and do things differently.  You find yourself connected through similar thoughts and feelings that life has thrown at both of you, and perhaps it is love rekindling.  Or, perhaps it is just an old fantasy waiting to be relived, do you can have another shot and making things work with your past amorcita.  But if she is committed to her marriage, you should respect that. If she’s feeling guilty communicating with you, it’s because she feels a responsibility to her current relationship.  And one of the key components of relationships – besides friendship, besides love – is responsibility.  If she wants out of her marriage, she should be allowed to discover that on her own.  And if she truly wants to begin again in a romantic relationship with you, she will hopefully do the right thing, get a divorce, and come looking for you.  But that may not happen.  Give her and you respectful space to think about what you two are embarking on.  You may realize that what you are yearning for, what you did not have with your wife, may NOT be what your old flame is capable of giving you.  Any way, do you really want to be the cause of a torn marriage?

I’m sorry to hear of your divorce, but hopefully it will be the beginning of a new life for you.   Try to think about what you really want to accomplish, and find healing in yourself. 

Michie